There were about a thousand things I could do this weekend. Mostly work related. But I forced myself to relax and take the time for myself. And although I’m starting Monday feeling a bit behind, I also feel really good about that choice.
It’s nice to have time to reflect and just breathe.
One thing I want to accomplish as I tackle this unknown year is taking the time to really evaluate where I am in life and what I want. The last few years, I have really questioned what I want. I went from feeling like I had it all figured out to feeling like I have little figured out. That’s the way it is with life, I suppose. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes it all feels brilliant, and other times it all feels like a cluster.
So I took the leap of leaving the security of my job to explore. Plenty of people thought I was absolutely nuts and voiced their opinion. Others thought I was nuts and kept it to themselves, with the exception of the confused looks on their faces and dread in their voices. Though I was scared, and half agreed with the skepticism, I did it anyway.
And here I am.
What I didn’t realize was although, technically, I left the security of my job to build my art business, this change would lead to so much more. It would give me time to evaluate and really think about what matters. It would force me to make big decisions about where I want to live and how. It would make me face my relationships and how much time I give them and what they mean to me.
And all this comes down to time. In ordinary life, there is little time for evaluating. Sure, you may decide you’re happy or unhappy or somewhere in between, and you may feel like you’re thinking about it all the time, but the reality is, a large portion of your day is dedicated to someone else. You have responsibilities to something bigger than you, namely your job, and although you would love to really meditate on your place in the world, you really can’t.
But now I find myself with just that. Time. Which is odd because I spend many hours working on my business, and I’ve set myself up with a workweek that usually rivals the work hours I put in as a science teacher. Yet, I still have more time for thought. More time for looking in. More time for myself.
Sometimes all that thought is uncomfortable, having to admit to myself that, in fact, I am a little lost. Other times it feels absolutely perfect. Thoughts and ideas and knowings come to me all at once, and I realize I am on exactly the right path. It’s equally inspiring and daunting and somehow just right.
I’ve adopted the phrase, “This moment is my destiny,” as my mantra. Oh, I need to tell you about that! I’ll save it for later this week, as it will take a whole other blog post.
I’ve picked up hobbies once thought lost. I’ve daydreamed about my next home and where it will be. I’ve started to come to terms with my fears about money (oh boy, do I have some hangups!). I’ve thought a lot about the lifestyle that’s important to me and the work that matters to me. And how I would like to set up this business in order to be content. I’ve thought about what else I need to feel I’ve contributed to the world in a meaningful way. About whether or not I will continue my art business full time next year. About who I want to help and what would make me feel good.
And I’ve realized that life is really complicated. And there are about twenty different scenarios that would make me equally happy, maybe more. And it’s all good. Because as long as I’m consciously thinking about these things and working toward things that give me joy, life will be good.